Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
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You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
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Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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