I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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