Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
why is half of my head shaved?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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