My sheets look like a crime scene.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
