Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
the condom got lost in my hair
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
