Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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