Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
