i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
