it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
