I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
