My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
