i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I believe in your delicious
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
