Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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