tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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