ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
All the doctor said was why
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
