even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
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Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
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Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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