Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Hello my rib-scented angel!
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