im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
