did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
