That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
