Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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