I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
