tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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