So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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