LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
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She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
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Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
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