Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
We're too hungover to prance.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
