Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
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