The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Randomize
