It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
