We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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