just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
