Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
