I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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