She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
