im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
My first STD was from a foam party
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
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