I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Randomize
