I showed him my bush... on skype.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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