i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
