my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
