Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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