Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
