i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
