Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
