You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
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I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
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Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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