Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
