do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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