grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
