I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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