he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
