UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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