I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I have aggressive nipples.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
