I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
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The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
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You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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