I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
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she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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