Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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