My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
