she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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