He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
