She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
