I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Randomize
